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random musings


Discipline, Or Whatever

Remember last year when I was all, "Oh, I'm gonna start blogging again and regularly and nyeah nyeah nyeah"? danymock

I was still innocent and naive to the demands of full-time school, full-time work, full-time not knowing if I was coming or going. Now I've emerged, MFA degree in hand, bloodied, bruised, battle-scarred, weary. Wiser.


When I was in school, I was forced to be disciplined and was much more careful about my time management. When I graduated in May 2017, I assumed I'd carry that momentum forward and spend the time I had previously used for school on things like reading the staggering mountain of books I'd accumulated over the past couple years, or writing more, or playing more video games, or catching up on all the shows I've neglected, or blogging, or cooking, or actually living my life.

Instead, that momentum has come to a screeching halt.

I've got a bad case of W.B. (The Bane of The Writer's Existence, Which Shall Not Be Named), which is awkward, as I'm supposed to be finishing up a story for an anthology I'm doing with several writing friends. I enjoy looking at my collection of books rather than picking one off the pile and reading it. I've started playing video games, but not new ones--I'm currently playing Final Fantasy VII for the 325,735,483,734th time (to be fair, the Skyrim graphics are so sharp on my PS4, I actually get motion sickness from playing. Huge Sigh.) instead, which I'm not complaining about because, let's be clear, that's hands down the best Final Fantasy game EVAR (IX is a veryveryveryveryvery close second, in my opinion) (also, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE REMAKE. OMG.) (also, how many parenthetical asides can be used in one thought?). The shows I faithfully DVR'd to responsibly watch AFTER graduation are still there...all piled up. It's almost like I have so many choices of things to fill my time now, that I'm overwhelmed, so I just sit there and do nothing at all.


Enter some recent soul-searching, as in just before writing this blog post: I need better time management and discipline. When I'm focused on something, like writing, it would take a pitchfork, a forest fire in my kitchen, a tornado, and an earthquake to pull me away from the task at hand. I need to find a way to wash off the derpy sludge that's encased my brain as of late.

Because there are so many things I want to do, that I need to do. I am desperate to finish the historical novel I've been working on. I have so many other book ideas to jump into. I want to sit down and enjoy the shows I've recorded and neglected (you guys, it's the final season of Orphan Black. THE FINAL SEASON!). I want to sit down and play Final Fantasy XV and proceed through Skyrim without needing to vomit and crack into Tomb Raider (2013). I want to climb the Mount Kilimanjaro-sized pile of books and read each and every single one--I've got some stupendous reads in there.

Then there's the on-going matter of physical fitness and health, too--something incredibly important that cannot, should not, be ignored. Yet, it's too easy for me to default to, "I'm too tired" and then sit down and stare into oblivion, moodily pondering all the things I'm not doing.

Making sure I'm entertained and fulfilled is gd chore, man. But it's worth it, because we need to do things that make us happy. We need to feed our souls in that way; we need to find the little pleasures that life has to offer us and capitalize on them. Conquer them. Times are troubling, and it's easy to become bogged down in the quagmire of frustration at the often shit-state of the world. We need to find our happiness in all the forms they come in.

I'm a list-maker. I'm an organizer, which is sometimes (okay, fine, often) laughable, considering my penchant for laziness. But at the same time, the need to do, the need to create, the need to absorb, is too strong to ignore. So if I need to literally schedule time in blocks for these things, I'll do that. I'll do that until it becomes habit, until I've emerged from this sludgy haze clear-headed, bright-eyed, and focused. Victorious, after eating Laziness's heart like a true warrior.

That got dark. Sorry.

Find your discipline, and use it to propel you to new heights of success, exploration, fulfillment, and joy.